Tangent: Ah...see I don't think you can easily separate love and abuse. The extremes are fairly distinct but I can think of lots of examples of behaviour which one person would see as romantic and another as abusive/overcontrolling etc. (I'd go into this further, but it is a tangent :) Suffice to say, my metaphor was not quite saying what you thought it was)

Anyway, other than that I'm not sure what you point is: racism is fuzzy and subjective (true, but so are most things) so..what? We shouldn't discuss it or fight against it? Personally, while I think people might argue about whether or not a specific action is racist, and it's often hard to judge that sort of thing without going into a lot of messy specifics, I think the general nature of racism, and the sort of patterns of behaviours it creates, is fairly straight forward. And "It's complicated" is part of the point: that people like to oversimplify other cultures down too much.