I'm totally with you on the 'fight and flight' and 'building up in safe places' things.

I found <a href"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroes_of_Might_and_Magic">Heroes of Might and Magic</a> fit the bill nicely for me: it's very turn based (you and the computer, you and friend). Even the battles (to my great relief) are 'move an army section, which attacks. Pause. other side moves section, attacks. Pause while you think for as long as you like." style play.

I played the third incarnation, and really enjoyed it. Haven't played any of the others.