*hugs* it's a sodding enormous, complex interaction and I keep writing the first half of a post that in my head is called 'the Rules of Engagement'.
I'm used to some basic rules being in place during emotionally difficult conversations and I do very well with people who use the same rules and surprisingly well with a lot of people who don't. It breaks down completely with people who believe you shouldn't talk about x at all.
The rules are very simple.
1. The person who brings up the issue gets heard 2. The person who listens, listens. They also clarify / reflect.
(both parties try to be compassionate)
3. Resolution is negotiated based on a whole bunch of things and may even be deferred to some point in the future in order to create a safe space for person 1. to talk and for person 2. to deal with what was said.
Being person 1 is hard, you have a responsibility to bring up an issue and be willing to articulate it and explore it and do so in good faith. It's not about proving someone else is a bad person or punishing them. You aren't allowed to bring up everything that's ever annoyed you ever, you get one issue at a time.
Being person 2 is is hard, you have to remember it's not about you. At all. It's about person 1. and maybe, if it looks doable - some sort of resolution. You have to be willing to treat whatever person 1. says as if it's real, and important and you have to help person 1. feel safe enough to want to talk to you again.
I can talk about anything if I know I can trust person 2. to treat me like my feelings are important to them and not to tell me I'm wrong / crazy / not allowed to feel that way / not entitled to feel that way / not gay enough / not feminist enough / not bright enough / too loud / too rude / check bingo card here.
I can listen to anyone if I know they are not just wasting my time/energy by stirring up hurt without being interested in eventual resolution
The exact opposite of this model is one I think of as the military model - it's not very useful.
1. Admit nothing 2. Deny everything 3. Make counter-accusations
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I'm used to some basic rules being in place during emotionally difficult conversations and I do very well with people who use the same rules and surprisingly well with a lot of people who don't. It breaks down completely with people who believe you shouldn't talk about x at all.
The rules are very simple.
1. The person who brings up the issue gets heard
2. The person who listens, listens. They also clarify / reflect.
(both parties try to be compassionate)
3. Resolution is negotiated based on a whole bunch of things and may even be deferred to some point in the future in order to create a safe space for person 1. to talk and for person 2. to deal with what was said.
Being person 1 is hard, you have a responsibility to bring up an issue and be willing to articulate it and explore it and do so in good faith. It's not about proving someone else is a bad person or punishing them. You aren't allowed to bring up everything that's ever annoyed you ever, you get one issue at a time.
Being person 2 is is hard, you have to remember it's not about you. At all. It's about person 1. and maybe, if it looks doable - some sort of resolution. You have to be willing to treat whatever person 1. says as if it's real, and important and you have to help person 1. feel safe enough to want to talk to you again.
I can talk about anything if I know I can trust person 2. to treat me like my feelings are important to them and not to tell me I'm wrong / crazy / not allowed to feel that way / not entitled to feel that way / not gay enough / not feminist enough / not bright enough / too loud / too rude / check bingo card here.
I can listen to anyone if I know they are not just wasting my time/energy by stirring up hurt without being interested in eventual resolution
The exact opposite of this model is one I think of as the military model - it's not very useful.
1. Admit nothing
2. Deny everything
3. Make counter-accusations