(I'm going to start with a disclaimer because I'm stressed out by some very harsh RL stuff at the mo and also probably heading for a crash - this may not make sense.)
I can equate with some of this, but sort of coming from the other direction. It has taken me a long time to realise that I can't cope with emotional situations, but the way I can't cope is not to try to be nice and avoid them, but to fight. I get a huge adrenaline surge, my brain seems to go into overdrive and I move into a mode where I tend to mock, intimidate, and generally beat people with my tongue and my brain until they are quivering. Afterwards, I tend to feel bad about this :(
So in the past few years I have come to accept that I am not safe in an emotional situation, I need to walk away. And I have spent some effort learning how to do that. I don't always get it right of course, sometimes I leave it too long and cause hurt, frequently to people I actually like and admire, which sucks. :( But I am getting better.
The trouble is this means there are lots of conversations/arguments where I can't join in, because they are taking place in an emotional way. But I still may be very interested in or even strongly invested in the topic, and have lots that I would like to say and discuss if only I could do it in a non-emotional fashion.
So I have become invested in finding or creating safe spaces where I can have those important conversations in a non-emotional fashion. Hence I highly value niceness, and actively seek it out. It's a skill I really want to learn. It makes me sad seeing you rate it as a weakness - being able to control your emotions is a really, really valuable skill. I envy you.
no subject
I can equate with some of this, but sort of coming from the other direction. It has taken me a long time to realise that I can't cope with emotional situations, but the way I can't cope is not to try to be nice and avoid them, but to fight. I get a huge adrenaline surge, my brain seems to go into overdrive and I move into a mode where I tend to mock, intimidate, and generally beat people with my tongue and my brain until they are quivering. Afterwards, I tend to feel bad about this :(
So in the past few years I have come to accept that I am not safe in an emotional situation, I need to walk away. And I have spent some effort learning how to do that. I don't always get it right of course, sometimes I leave it too long and cause hurt, frequently to people I actually like and admire, which sucks. :( But I am getting better.
The trouble is this means there are lots of conversations/arguments where I can't join in, because they are taking place in an emotional way. But I still may be very interested in or even strongly invested in the topic, and have lots that I would like to say and discuss if only I could do it in a non-emotional fashion.
So I have become invested in finding or creating safe spaces where I can have those important conversations in a non-emotional fashion. Hence I highly value niceness, and actively seek it out. It's a skill I really want to learn. It makes me sad seeing you rate it as a weakness - being able to control your emotions is a really, really valuable skill. I envy you.