Slightly more on topic, now (but not THAT much more)...
I understand "nice", "polite", "kind", and "respectful" to be different things, even though they get used more or less interchangeably.
"Nice" is something like wanting to be liked, and wanting everyone's emotions to be quite and smooth.
"Polite" is... something like the Geneva Conventions. A formal code of acceptable conduct, which has nothing to do with being nice to people. As Miss Manners points out over and over again, one can be polite and cruel, polite and aggressive, polite and ruthless, etc. There is no requirement to be kind, or put people at their ease, or any other such thing. There is a strong emphasis on leaving people room to save face, so it tends to act as a choke on how fast hostilities can increase, or how damaging hostilities can get, but it was never intended to prevent hostilities.
"Kind" is caring about how the other person feels and trying to not let/make them feel bad.
"Respect" is.... er... respect. (Crap. The verbalization was almost working!)
Anyway, of all the the above ways to treat people, "respect" is pretty awesome, "polite" has a lot to be said for it (there is a basic level of respect built in, if you learn the code well), "kind" isn't bad (although it can slide into condescension RIGHT quick if you're not careful to keep "respect" at hand, too), and "nice" is... Pretty damn shallow. Of all the goals you might have in your interactions with other people, "wanting to be liked" is far less important, in my mind, than "treating people with respect." That's just basic ethics there.
In terms of ally-work, "nice" tends to turn into "wanting to be liked by everyone, including the people who hold -ist beliefs AND the people who are victims of those beliefs," which is a frickin' DISASTER. I think that the better someone gets at letting go of the goal of "nice" in favor of "respect" (with or without liking), the better one gets at being an ally, and the better able one is to own one's privileges.
I also believe that aiming for respect, with or without liking, is way more likely to put you in a place where a lot of people like you than "nice" does. But to make it work, you do have to first be willing to not be liked.
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I understand "nice", "polite", "kind", and "respectful" to be different things, even though they get used more or less interchangeably.
"Nice" is something like wanting to be liked, and wanting everyone's emotions to be quite and smooth.
"Polite" is... something like the Geneva Conventions. A formal code of acceptable conduct, which has nothing to do with being nice to people. As Miss Manners points out over and over again, one can be polite and cruel, polite and aggressive, polite and ruthless, etc. There is no requirement to be kind, or put people at their ease, or any other such thing. There is a strong emphasis on leaving people room to save face, so it tends to act as a choke on how fast hostilities can increase, or how damaging hostilities can get, but it was never intended to prevent hostilities.
"Kind" is caring about how the other person feels and trying to not let/make them feel bad.
"Respect" is.... er... respect. (Crap. The verbalization was almost working!)
Anyway, of all the the above ways to treat people, "respect" is pretty awesome, "polite" has a lot to be said for it (there is a basic level of respect built in, if you learn the code well), "kind" isn't bad (although it can slide into condescension RIGHT quick if you're not careful to keep "respect" at hand, too), and "nice" is... Pretty damn shallow. Of all the goals you might have in your interactions with other people, "wanting to be liked" is far less important, in my mind, than "treating people with respect." That's just basic ethics there.
In terms of ally-work, "nice" tends to turn into "wanting to be liked by everyone, including the people who hold -ist beliefs AND the people who are victims of those beliefs," which is a frickin' DISASTER. I think that the better someone gets at letting go of the goal of "nice" in favor of "respect" (with or without liking), the better one gets at being an ally, and the better able one is to own one's privileges.
I also believe that aiming for respect, with or without liking, is way more likely to put you in a place where a lot of people like you than "nice" does. But to make it work, you do have to first be willing to not be liked.