It's hard work and can feel very confronting, you have to put a lot of effort into making people feel safe from both sides of the fence. And yeah, it's not open season on saying everything you've ever thought, because if you want to bring it up, you have to be there.
The advantage is that once you get good at it you can have relationships where problems are over quickly and genuinely. Even better, the act of resolving problems reinforces that you are trusted, safe and respected. Blowups are a lot smaller because instead of going into anxiety about the problem, you can go straight into anxiety about exactly how you're going to fix it :p
*coughs* I am working on this and sometimes bugger it up completely. Less so these days I hope!
I use the military model in that when I identify that someone is doing it I can say 'Oh, you have very different goals..' Sometimes that means I can coax them into seeing it and changing what's going on. Sometimes I just have to acknowledge they don't want to engage with me, they just want to win. Usually it means I stop seeing them as people I could be close to.
no subject
The advantage is that once you get good at it you can have relationships where problems are over quickly and genuinely. Even better, the act of resolving problems reinforces that you are trusted, safe and respected. Blowups are a lot smaller because instead of going into anxiety about the problem, you can go straight into anxiety about exactly how you're going to fix it :p
*coughs* I am working on this and sometimes bugger it up completely. Less so these days I hope!
I use the military model in that when I identify that someone is doing it I can say 'Oh, you have very different goals..' Sometimes that means I can coax them into seeing it and changing what's going on. Sometimes I just have to acknowledge they don't want to engage with me, they just want to win. Usually it means I stop seeing them as people I could be close to.