The "earning" doesn't have to be, and often isn't, public. And it is absolutely not a matter of proving oneself to a community.

I said that these identities come from "identification with a community -- publicly or privately," and I do mean exactly that. Private identification counts, and yes, one can be living a heteronormed life and still be gay.

And yes, I would still say that you have "earned" your identity. Calling oneself gay -- even privately -- is not an act that happens without social cost. And that is true even if no one but you knows.