Most artistic people I know have an aspect of their art that they refuse to participate in. So for example I know a conductor who absolutely freaks out about taking his bow at the end of a piece. I know an artist who makes the most almighty fuss about framing her finished pieces. I myself refuse to accept feedback. These quirks can often seem very weird but I suspect that they perform some purpose, perhaps in providing a safe outlet for tensions about our artistic output that would otherwise hinder the production of the work itself. It is noticeable that many of them occur at the very end of the artistic process. It sounds to me as if your refusal to accept a beta falls into such a category.
If the quirk is harmless (like the conductor with his bows) then it might as well be let alone. If it actually prevents the final production (like the artist who can't sell anything until she has got it framed) then it obviously needs to be dealt with. So I would suggest you view your own quirk with a coldly calculating eye. Work out just what purpose it is serving for you - what tensions it releases and what problems it also creates, and see if you can find a way to either adapt it or ignore it. Simply recognising it for what it is might well help you deal with it. Perhaps you can adapt your hatred of betaing into just one limited aspect (say, flat out refusing to change spelling while accepting suggestions about plot structure) thus minimising the harm.
I'll also add the comment that CFS screws with many things and self confidence is one of them. You are currently going through the grimmest phase for that, with your energy at a low ebb and the accumulation of a long period of failing to achieve everything you wish to achieve, but it will get better. If you follow the normal course of the disease, and there is no earthly reason why you shouldn't, then in a year or two you will be able to look back and see that you have started to improve. The change isn't visible week by week or even month by month but it is year by year. So don't feel you are committed to any hard and fast 'rules' for how you will feel about this stuff for ever.
no subject
If the quirk is harmless (like the conductor with his bows) then it might as well be let alone. If it actually prevents the final production (like the artist who can't sell anything until she has got it framed) then it obviously needs to be dealt with. So I would suggest you view your own quirk with a coldly calculating eye. Work out just what purpose it is serving for you - what tensions it releases and what problems it also creates, and see if you can find a way to either adapt it or ignore it. Simply recognising it for what it is might well help you deal with it. Perhaps you can adapt your hatred of betaing into just one limited aspect (say, flat out refusing to change spelling while accepting suggestions about plot structure) thus minimising the harm.
I'll also add the comment that CFS screws with many things and self confidence is one of them. You are currently going through the grimmest phase for that, with your energy at a low ebb and the accumulation of a long period of failing to achieve everything you wish to achieve, but it will get better. If you follow the normal course of the disease, and there is no earthly reason why you shouldn't, then in a year or two you will be able to look back and see that you have started to improve. The change isn't visible week by week or even month by month but it is year by year. So don't feel you are committed to any hard and fast 'rules' for how you will feel about this stuff for ever.