I'm not sure I get what your first paragraph is saying. I'm always "trying to judge possible continued pain via conversation, with current levels of exhaustion and possible future exhaustion" for everything (I am often at best a spoon or two away from collapse) but I'm not sure if it's in the way you mean.

Anyway, the more I think about the point I was trying to make the more horrified I am at what a horrible whitesplainer I was being. If there was a simple way around this crap people would be doing it.

I think I was just in denial. I've been feeling increasingly frustrated that there's all these things I'd like to see people (not just in fandom, the webcomics community is much worse) discussing more and I think I just have to admit to myself that there is no way for me to be the person hosting those discussions unless I make them very small and probably under flock, because otherwise they are pretty much doomed to explode in a way I can't handle at this point in my life.

Sorry I had to flail my way through a bunch of offensive crap in everyone's faces to come to that realisation :/