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Was linked this discussion of an emotionally abusive relationship and it was…almost embarrassing how similar this guy is to my ex(*), how I fell for exactly the same crap (he couldn't help it! He'd been hurt before! But of course my emotional needs and issues were just screwed up neediness and me ruining everything again).
That and a bunch of posts asexual people I know have been posting about how the overemphasis on romance screws them over got me thinking about how although as a happily married woman I might be expected to think romance and love are super important and wonderful, my feelings are a lot more ambivalent.
And now…some ambivalent rambles.
I'm not a very romantic person. I get crushes on people and smoogly romantic feelings, but they're way less compelling than friendship, sex, committed love (which is great but much less exciting), family etc. I really like having a romantic partner, but to be honest that's partly my need to have a best friend I can rely on to be fully committed to me, a need that I've had since well before puberty (post puberty there was the added motivation of having someone attractive I felt comfortable making out with, but I think under the right circumstances I could deal with those being different people). Some people are happy being single and good for them, I felt pretty envious when I was single myself.
There's this idea that the most important thing about a romantic relationship is how much you love each other, that "love will find a way". And that's crap. I was more infatuated with my ex than I was with Cam at the start of the respective relationships, and less with either than I have been with various people I didn't date (mostly because they would be totally wrong for me. And/or didn't notice I existed :)). I and Cam started dated each other only after things didn't pan out with other people we were more interested in. And yes, we got pretty smoogly about each other over time, but the core of our relationship is our friendship, and the fact that we communicate with each other and work on keeping the relationship functional.
Two internalised attitudes that really screwed me over with my ex, and I think screw over a lot of people, especially straight women (I'm not sure how these dynamics work for other types of relationships, though I'm sure they come up):
a) You are a failure as a person if you can't find someone to love you
b) The default guy is only interested in sex. If you find a guy who loves you, is willing to commit, doesn't cheat and doesn't hit, he's a keeper! If you don't love him what's wrong with you? And your happiness doesn't even come into the equation.
You could say "Oh but treating you like crap means he doesn't really love you", but that's really unhelpful, since the corollary is "If he loves you he isn't really treating you like crap". I'd say my ex did love me more in his way, but to him this was just a weapon to make me feel guilty for making him feel rejected.
All that "Is this love?" "Do I love them enough?", "who loves the other more?" "Are they my One True Love?" stuff…who cares? Are you both happy? Are you good for each other? Are you honest with each other about how you feel and what you want? Do you see that situation remaining stable for the foreseeable future? Then all is well.
I think the hard work glbtqa and polyamorous people have done to expand the boundaries of how we define love and relationships has benefited society as a whole ("Yay", they say "Because making straight monogamous cis people feel better about themselves was totally our main goal") It doesn't matter how relationships are "supposed" to work or how you're "supposed" to feel, as long as the people in the relationship (however many that is :)) are happy with how it works and how they feel.
Anyway, that's my opinion. YMMV! (And by my own logic, that's ok)
(*)Except that he completely failed to cut me off from my friends, and after a little under two years I said "I'm sorry, I know it's all my fault, but we're both unhappy so should end it". And then he showed his true colours and REALLY tried to make me unhappy, which (much to his surprise) did not drive me into his arms but instead opened my eyes to what a bastard he was.
That and a bunch of posts asexual people I know have been posting about how the overemphasis on romance screws them over got me thinking about how although as a happily married woman I might be expected to think romance and love are super important and wonderful, my feelings are a lot more ambivalent.
And now…some ambivalent rambles.
I'm not a very romantic person. I get crushes on people and smoogly romantic feelings, but they're way less compelling than friendship, sex, committed love (which is great but much less exciting), family etc. I really like having a romantic partner, but to be honest that's partly my need to have a best friend I can rely on to be fully committed to me, a need that I've had since well before puberty (post puberty there was the added motivation of having someone attractive I felt comfortable making out with, but I think under the right circumstances I could deal with those being different people). Some people are happy being single and good for them, I felt pretty envious when I was single myself.
There's this idea that the most important thing about a romantic relationship is how much you love each other, that "love will find a way". And that's crap. I was more infatuated with my ex than I was with Cam at the start of the respective relationships, and less with either than I have been with various people I didn't date (mostly because they would be totally wrong for me. And/or didn't notice I existed :)). I and Cam started dated each other only after things didn't pan out with other people we were more interested in. And yes, we got pretty smoogly about each other over time, but the core of our relationship is our friendship, and the fact that we communicate with each other and work on keeping the relationship functional.
Two internalised attitudes that really screwed me over with my ex, and I think screw over a lot of people, especially straight women (I'm not sure how these dynamics work for other types of relationships, though I'm sure they come up):
a) You are a failure as a person if you can't find someone to love you
b) The default guy is only interested in sex. If you find a guy who loves you, is willing to commit, doesn't cheat and doesn't hit, he's a keeper! If you don't love him what's wrong with you? And your happiness doesn't even come into the equation.
You could say "Oh but treating you like crap means he doesn't really love you", but that's really unhelpful, since the corollary is "If he loves you he isn't really treating you like crap". I'd say my ex did love me more in his way, but to him this was just a weapon to make me feel guilty for making him feel rejected.
All that "Is this love?" "Do I love them enough?", "who loves the other more?" "Are they my One True Love?" stuff…who cares? Are you both happy? Are you good for each other? Are you honest with each other about how you feel and what you want? Do you see that situation remaining stable for the foreseeable future? Then all is well.
I think the hard work glbtqa and polyamorous people have done to expand the boundaries of how we define love and relationships has benefited society as a whole ("Yay", they say "Because making straight monogamous cis people feel better about themselves was totally our main goal") It doesn't matter how relationships are "supposed" to work or how you're "supposed" to feel, as long as the people in the relationship (however many that is :)) are happy with how it works and how they feel.
Anyway, that's my opinion. YMMV! (And by my own logic, that's ok)
(*)Except that he completely failed to cut me off from my friends, and after a little under two years I said "I'm sorry, I know it's all my fault, but we're both unhappy so should end it". And then he showed his true colours and REALLY tried to make me unhappy, which (much to his surprise) did not drive me into his arms but instead opened my eyes to what a bastard he was.