Ah, thank you, this was a really encouraging and thought provoking comment! You inspired me to add a bit more to the 2016 section explaining where I'm at with the "line between mean and valid criticism" problem (I also added one or two small bits in other places, eg about how I haven't always said or done anything about stuff happening in front of me)
Anyway: I still can't always draw that line. But I've realised that I have mostly learned to recognise people I'm not able to reliably have productive, emotionally undamaging arguments with when we disagree. A lot of those people aren't mean or unreasonable, they just have incompatible communication styles, and we may even be able to stay friends, albeit the sort of friends who never discuss anything very deep. But they're no good for me to trust with complex, emotionally loaded conversations. And people who can't be trusted not to be mean/overreact/turn on me unexpectedly etc tend to be a subset of this group, so I end up avoiding them too even though I can't reliably recognise them.
And beyond this process of exclusion I have slowly accumulated a very few friends where I'm not constantly paranoid they're about to hate me forever (though the paranoia is always at least a little bit there), where I feel we genuinely understand each other well enough that they are unlikely to be shocked by anything ~problematic I say (because they already have a good grasp of my flaws) and we can have a robust, honest discussion about pretty much any topic. I'm honestly not sure how that happened, but it's very useful!
This mostly solves the "who do I trust to discuss complicated situations with" problem. It doesn't solve the "making myself vulnerable by admitting I am confused to the people I trust" problem, which I am still working on :)
how do you handle conflict aversion these days? And is it as strong as it used to be? Do you think that some of the aspects of bullying in these discussions made it stronger or worse?
It's vastly improved. I think most of that is just that my anxiety disorder has responded really well to therapy and drugs, which isn't very helpful for you, sorry! Including a slow process of being more willing to initiate small conflicts with people I trust, having that go well and improve the relationship, and pushing for even further honest communication. This has taught me a lot of conflict management skills I didn't have before, and acted as a sort of exposure therapy.
But also I feel much more comfortable thinking of it as a disability I need people to accomodate. That doesn't mean they have to not argue with me, or even do what I ask for if it conflicts with their own needs, but it does mean I shouldn't feel ashamed of asking for some time to calm down and get my head together or even admit I'm unable to continue arguing. It helps that every time I've done so people have been understanding, or at worst accepted it passive aggressively. The way I do it is I 100% force myself to accept that the argument is done (temporarily or permanently) and resist any urge to take a parting pot shot or blame them for my anxiety, instead trying to make it as blame free and neutral as saying "I'm sorry, I have to go, my internet is about to cut out".
I don't think the bullying I've seen has had much effect on most of my one-on-one interactions, but it does make me paranoid when I post opinions I know these bullies have a history of attacking, which make me jumpier during any following argument even if the people I'm arguing with are being reasonable.
Do you have any particular coping strategies for dealing with the saturation of these sorts of discussions in arenas like DW / Tumblr, that isn't necessarily cutting yourself off entirely or unfollowing?
Xkit's Blacklist is a godsend haha. Also slowly learning which kinds of arguments I find annoying but not actively distressing, and which I need to cut out of my life entirely, even if it means unfollowing someone I otherwise like. Because if I cut off everyone who makes arguments I find annoying I'd just be left with, like, art blogs and fuckyeahfluiddynamics :) My rule of thumb currently (and this is very much a work of progress) is every time someone does something that really upsets me I make a sort of mental black mark about as big as the level of upset. If I get another one before the first has faded from memory, they get an even bigger black mark. If the mark gets large enough, I unfollow unless I have a VERY good reason not to. The first step was learning to recognise when posts were making me unhappy, which I only really started to get the hang of this year. The second step was stopping worrying about whether my upset was justified. It doesn't matter! I am sick enough that I just don't have the extra mental energy to cope with people in my life who make me sad, even if they're good people. And I've found unfollowing people's accounts which upset me has often actually made me like them more and get along better when I interact with them in other social contexts.
Locking posts is another one, with layers of filters, and having multiple blogs with different focuses.
Not feeling like I HAVE to get involved, just saying something when I either can't help myself or think I have something to add.
I'm sure there's other stuff but that's all that comes to mind. You've got me thinking! And also it just made me happy to know at least one person actually read the whole behemoth and liked it.
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Anyway: I still can't always draw that line. But I've realised that I have mostly learned to recognise people I'm not able to reliably have productive, emotionally undamaging arguments with when we disagree. A lot of those people aren't mean or unreasonable, they just have incompatible communication styles, and we may even be able to stay friends, albeit the sort of friends who never discuss anything very deep. But they're no good for me to trust with complex, emotionally loaded conversations. And people who can't be trusted not to be mean/overreact/turn on me unexpectedly etc tend to be a subset of this group, so I end up avoiding them too even though I can't reliably recognise them.
And beyond this process of exclusion I have slowly accumulated a very few friends where I'm not constantly paranoid they're about to hate me forever (though the paranoia is always at least a little bit there), where I feel we genuinely understand each other well enough that they are unlikely to be shocked by anything ~problematic I say (because they already have a good grasp of my flaws) and we can have a robust, honest discussion about pretty much any topic. I'm honestly not sure how that happened, but it's very useful!
This mostly solves the "who do I trust to discuss complicated situations with" problem. It doesn't solve the "making myself vulnerable by admitting I am confused to the people I trust" problem, which I am still working on :)
how do you handle conflict aversion these days? And is it as strong as it used to be? Do you think that some of the aspects of bullying in these discussions made it stronger or worse?
It's vastly improved. I think most of that is just that my anxiety disorder has responded really well to therapy and drugs, which isn't very helpful for you, sorry! Including a slow process of being more willing to initiate small conflicts with people I trust, having that go well and improve the relationship, and pushing for even further honest communication. This has taught me a lot of conflict management skills I didn't have before, and acted as a sort of exposure therapy.
But also I feel much more comfortable thinking of it as a disability I need people to accomodate. That doesn't mean they have to not argue with me, or even do what I ask for if it conflicts with their own needs, but it does mean I shouldn't feel ashamed of asking for some time to calm down and get my head together or even admit I'm unable to continue arguing. It helps that every time I've done so people have been understanding, or at worst accepted it passive aggressively. The way I do it is I 100% force myself to accept that the argument is done (temporarily or permanently) and resist any urge to take a parting pot shot or blame them for my anxiety, instead trying to make it as blame free and neutral as saying "I'm sorry, I have to go, my internet is about to cut out".
I don't think the bullying I've seen has had much effect on most of my one-on-one interactions, but it does make me paranoid when I post opinions I know these bullies have a history of attacking, which make me jumpier during any following argument even if the people I'm arguing with are being reasonable.
Do you have any particular coping strategies for dealing with the saturation of these sorts of discussions in arenas like DW / Tumblr, that isn't necessarily cutting yourself off entirely or unfollowing?
Xkit's Blacklist is a godsend haha. Also slowly learning which kinds of arguments I find annoying but not actively distressing, and which I need to cut out of my life entirely, even if it means unfollowing someone I otherwise like. Because if I cut off everyone who makes arguments I find annoying I'd just be left with, like, art blogs and fuckyeahfluiddynamics :) My rule of thumb currently (and this is very much a work of progress) is every time someone does something that really upsets me I make a sort of mental black mark about as big as the level of upset. If I get another one before the first has faded from memory, they get an even bigger black mark. If the mark gets large enough, I unfollow unless I have a VERY good reason not to. The first step was learning to recognise when posts were making me unhappy, which I only really started to get the hang of this year. The second step was stopping worrying about whether my upset was justified. It doesn't matter! I am sick enough that I just don't have the extra mental energy to cope with people in my life who make me sad, even if they're good people. And I've found unfollowing people's accounts which upset me has often actually made me like them more and get along better when I interact with them in other social contexts.
Locking posts is another one, with layers of filters, and having multiple blogs with different focuses.
Not feeling like I HAVE to get involved, just saying something when I either can't help myself or think I have something to add.
I'm sure there's other stuff but that's all that comes to mind. You've got me thinking! And also it just made me happy to know at least one person actually read the whole behemoth and liked it.