I found this via geekfeminism, so that worked :) I have about 20 tabs open because I keep finding interesting links from things you link to.
Thank you for writing a long form summary, it was very helpful. The many links have also been informative. I mostly just want to echo fred_mouse and say "thanks".
Specifically: the talk about anxiety and conflict aversion resonates with me, in that I have minor forms of the same things that I suspect are normal but put me off a lot of online communities. All too often I seem to arrive in the middle of a yelling match. But since I'm mostly asocial there's a big element of "it doesn't bother me to walk away" so I mostly view them from outside via posts like yours.
I mostly identify as a SWM of the unbothered persuasion, but simply by not being bothered I find people are often keen to leap to conclusions about me and group me with one side of whatever conflict they're engaged in. Often despite (possibly ambiguous) evidence. Which can be both amusing and infuriating, but is often a suggestion that I need to more obviously take a side (but as you point out, it is often hard to pick the least awful side between the {bad thing}-ists and the massive pile-on). Bringing out long "this, but that, and on the other..." posts {eyerolls at self}. Back in the day I was very happy to be introduced to post-modernism at university because it was a much more developed version of some of my thoughts. Ditto bisexuality and queer theory (queer as a post-modern sexuality?) I suppose ditto gender-fluid and gender-queer identities, which FWIW were a thing even back in the 1970s and probably earlier, not to mention androgyny as an identity - I'm sure there's some fascinating history there).
I too struggle with the "should I be so happy to be accepted as an ally?" when I speak up... and am accepted rather than criticised. It does happen sometimes! I also believe that one benefit of privilege is that it enables some people to hear criticism that they otherwise couldn't accept. But the "On Conversations" link from geek feminism is also important - in person it's often possible to encourage people just by looking at them, with the risk of them feeling pushed to speak when they might not want to... it's all a bit fraught.
PS: thanks also for allowing anon comments like mine.
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Thank you for writing a long form summary, it was very helpful. The many links have also been informative. I mostly just want to echo fred_mouse and say "thanks".
Specifically: the talk about anxiety and conflict aversion resonates with me, in that I have minor forms of the same things that I suspect are normal but put me off a lot of online communities. All too often I seem to arrive in the middle of a yelling match. But since I'm mostly asocial there's a big element of "it doesn't bother me to walk away" so I mostly view them from outside via posts like yours.
I mostly identify as a SWM of the unbothered persuasion, but simply by not being bothered I find people are often keen to leap to conclusions about me and group me with one side of whatever conflict they're engaged in. Often despite (possibly ambiguous) evidence. Which can be both amusing and infuriating, but is often a suggestion that I need to more obviously take a side (but as you point out, it is often hard to pick the least awful side between the {bad thing}-ists and the massive pile-on). Bringing out long "this, but that, and on the other..." posts {eyerolls at self}. Back in the day I was very happy to be introduced to post-modernism at university because it was a much more developed version of some of my thoughts. Ditto bisexuality and queer theory (queer as a post-modern sexuality?) I suppose ditto gender-fluid and gender-queer identities, which FWIW were a thing even back in the 1970s and probably earlier, not to mention androgyny as an identity - I'm sure there's some fascinating history there).
I too struggle with the "should I be so happy to be accepted as an ally?" when I speak up... and am accepted rather than criticised. It does happen sometimes! I also believe that one benefit of privilege is that it enables some people to hear criticism that they otherwise couldn't accept. But the "On Conversations" link from geek feminism is also important - in person it's often possible to encourage people just by looking at them, with the risk of them feeling pushed to speak when they might not want to... it's all a bit fraught.
PS: thanks also for allowing anon comments like mine.