I had an abuser who sent me an email after I cut contact with her a year later, and there were fourteen instances of 'I'm sorry' in that email. She also referred to herself as a hypothetical victim in that email, and me as a hypothetical monster, but in context of 'only a monster would think of me like X, and I know you're not like that' and in context as 'my friends are all so sympathetic to me for the way you cut me off, but I told them that they didn't understand.'
Anyway, I didn't reply to her email. Which I felt awful about. Given much of her control centred around online abuse, and I had been advised by therapists to go No Contact, I didn't reply.
Within twenty four hours she was slamming people like me (i.e. people who didn't respond to heartfelt emails) on Tumblr. Aggressively and vindictively.
What I've learned from that experience, is that some abusers are extremely good at co-opting the language of atonement - this person was very good at it even during the relationship itself - but that ultimately when you don't give them what their performance of atonement is meant to be for (i.e. forgiveness, a clean slate, contact, a new relationship) the ugliness and torment resurfaces.
I value redemption, I really do. But you can really tell a lot by how someone responds to *your* response to their apology. I always had a right to not reply to that email, she abused me pretty badly for two years and by and large used word games and verbal abuse. Perhaps she had truly turned over a new leaf and was working on herself, but I had a right to my boundaries and I maintained that right. She has the ability to go on and forge new relationships that aren't abusive. I really hope she's doing that.
I still feel terribly guilty for exercising my right to not have contact with her though, but anyway, that's what I have a therapist for. *sighs*
Meanwhile I read and write like a billion redemption narratives on AO3, lol. But I think that's me working out some internal stuff.
no subject
Anyway, I didn't reply to her email. Which I felt awful about. Given much of her control centred around online abuse, and I had been advised by therapists to go No Contact, I didn't reply.
Within twenty four hours she was slamming people like me (i.e. people who didn't respond to heartfelt emails) on Tumblr. Aggressively and vindictively.
What I've learned from that experience, is that some abusers are extremely good at co-opting the language of atonement - this person was very good at it even during the relationship itself - but that ultimately when you don't give them what their performance of atonement is meant to be for (i.e. forgiveness, a clean slate, contact, a new relationship) the ugliness and torment resurfaces.
I value redemption, I really do. But you can really tell a lot by how someone responds to *your* response to their apology. I always had a right to not reply to that email, she abused me pretty badly for two years and by and large used word games and verbal abuse. Perhaps she had truly turned over a new leaf and was working on herself, but I had a right to my boundaries and I maintained that right. She has the ability to go on and forge new relationships that aren't abusive. I really hope she's doing that.
I still feel terribly guilty for exercising my right to not have contact with her though, but anyway, that's what I have a therapist for. *sighs*
Meanwhile I read and write like a billion redemption narratives on AO3, lol. But I think that's me working out some internal stuff.