I agree with both you and the OP. It's important not to write people off as unredeemable trash, as a general principle; it's also important not to pressure the traumatized with rhetoric of forgiveness, as if we are responsible for the redemption of our abusers.

My stake in this is pretty obvious from the first-person, there... I am in fact engaged in this dance with family members, around an abusive relative who has afaik shown no sign of real repentance or desire to change his behavior, but has done the dance of feigning-sorry well enough to mobilize others to badger me on his behalf. Because the real problem, they seem to think, isn't that he abused me but that I dare to be angry about it and refuse to "reconcile" with him.

I wish him all the luck and grace in the world if he wants to work on real atonement and redemption.* The first step on that path would be respecting my boundaries, staying away from me, and not trying to make me responsible for absolving him.

*This may sound like I'm being sweet and nice, but I'm not really. Facing up to being a selfish destructive asshole is a grueling and painful path, and I do want people who embark on it to have the strength and support to keep going. It's also the most just and appropriate punishment for his wrongdoing I can imagine - understanding exactly how wrong he's been and how much harm he's done.