On that point, in case it helps: it can be difficult to recognise abuse from a sibling when it isn't physical, because it's a long pattern that gets dismissed as "sibling rivalry" and "kids being kids" and things like that and "teasing". In my case, apparently my sister is protective of me and terribly concerned about me so long as I'm not actually present, which is one of the things that builds the expectation for others that no, she loves me really.
(I've heard that from my parents *and* her friends.)
Some of the things my relationship with my sister included:
- she'd tear me down any time I was feeling particularly good about myself
- anything I felt bad about she'd mock me for or belittle me for. (Example: I had to repeat year 12 of school twice in order to get into university. It turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD, as well as my mother being very very ill in those years. My housemates - and my housemate Chas's mother - think that this was an impressive feat of dedication and determination and will. My sister used it as an example of my weakness and inadequacy and it's taken me years not to be ashamed to tell people it happened.)
- She fostered narratives - from very early childhood - that I lacked talent at just about everything. Because I believed it, I didn't start proving her wrong until adulthood.
- She was very controlling. Rebellion was punished, physically (but never leaving a mark) or verbally.
- She'd tell a lot of "funny" stories that just happened to have the side-effect of public humiliation.
- As of the last time I spoke to my older sister, she has never complimented me for anything, told me I'm good at anything, ever been proud of me. She's told me she loves me twice in my life: once when she was very drunk at a party, and she wrote it in my 21st birthday card.
- One time I asked her if she cared about me, at all. She told me that she tries to, but I make it very difficult.
There's an important pattern evident in that part: all the problems in our relationship are my failures.
I just asked Jen and Chas about the important things in this:
Jen (voice dripping with furious anger): "She imbued you with a conviction that you are worthless."
Chas (who has four younger siblings and is a loving big brother): If a sibling never gives any kind of praise or affection, that's a huge red flag.
He reckons that's possibly the biggest one: siblings can be kind of horrible to each other (especially as children), but there should always be something that balances that out. Siblings should sometimes be loving and defend each other even if they don't get on.
He says relationships are toxic, even with siblings, if one party always tears the other down and never builds them up.
I think this point is strong. Like, I know Jen and her older sister Pam didn't get on at all for years, but I *also* know that even at the worst times in that period, they did things for each other that were, to me, mind-blowingly loving.
Chas has three brothers and a sister, and even though I don't even know his siblings that well for the most part, I've heard him casually and offhandedly say nicer things to them than my sister has to me in my entire life.
He says that relationships with siblings can be difficult, and interactions with your siblings can sometimes leave you drained, or angry, but they shouldn't ever leave you feeling miserable.
He's absolutely certain that an interaction with a sibling shouldn't leave you feeling bad about yourself.
A relationship can be toxic without being abusive, at which point it's still likely to be a good idea to step away if they're not prepared to change.
He came up with more ideas for the things that suggest a relationship is NOT abusive: if the other person will make sacrifices sometimes for your happiness, if they do things that show you that you matter, if they make you feel better about yourself more often than not.
I've been doing better lately, so we're likely to be inviting you for a visit if you'd like to come, and we can discuss it more, if you like.
I'd note that I also don't think my sister should be the sole metric for judging whether a sibling is abusive, since some of my stories about her genuinely shocked and horrified my excellent and extremely experienced former therapist.
There needs to be a word for the disbelief people express when they absolutely definitely do believe you but are struggling to reconcile the idea that someone could be that awful.
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(note: the rest got really long and I apologise)
On that point, in case it helps: it can be difficult to recognise abuse from a sibling when it isn't physical, because it's a long pattern that gets dismissed as "sibling rivalry" and "kids being kids" and things like that and "teasing". In my case, apparently my sister is protective of me and terribly concerned about me so long as I'm not actually present, which is one of the things that builds the expectation for others that no, she loves me really.
(I've heard that from my parents *and* her friends.)
Some of the things my relationship with my sister included:
- she'd tear me down any time I was feeling particularly good about myself
- anything I felt bad about she'd mock me for or belittle me for. (Example: I had to repeat year 12 of school twice in order to get into university. It turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD, as well as my mother being very very ill in those years. My housemates - and my housemate Chas's mother - think that this was an impressive feat of dedication and determination and will. My sister used it as an example of my weakness and inadequacy and it's taken me years not to be ashamed to tell people it happened.)
- She fostered narratives - from very early childhood - that I lacked talent at just about everything. Because I believed it, I didn't start proving her wrong until adulthood.
- She was very controlling. Rebellion was punished, physically (but never leaving a mark) or verbally.
- She'd tell a lot of "funny" stories that just happened to have the side-effect of public humiliation.
- As of the last time I spoke to my older sister, she has never complimented me for anything, told me I'm good at anything, ever been proud of me. She's told me she loves me twice in my life: once when she was very drunk at a party, and she wrote it in my 21st birthday card.
- One time I asked her if she cared about me, at all. She told me that she tries to, but I make it very difficult.
There's an important pattern evident in that part: all the problems in our relationship are my failures.
I just asked Jen and Chas about the important things in this:
Jen (voice dripping with furious anger): "She imbued you with a conviction that you are worthless."
Chas (who has four younger siblings and is a loving big brother): If a sibling never gives any kind of praise or affection, that's a huge red flag.
He reckons that's possibly the biggest one: siblings can be kind of horrible to each other (especially as children), but there should always be something that balances that out. Siblings should sometimes be loving and defend each other even if they don't get on.
He says relationships are toxic, even with siblings, if one party always tears the other down and never builds them up.
I think this point is strong. Like, I know Jen and her older sister Pam didn't get on at all for years, but I *also* know that even at the worst times in that period, they did things for each other that were, to me, mind-blowingly loving.
Chas has three brothers and a sister, and even though I don't even know his siblings that well for the most part, I've heard him casually and offhandedly say nicer things to them than my sister has to me in my entire life.
He says that relationships with siblings can be difficult, and interactions with your siblings can sometimes leave you drained, or angry, but they shouldn't ever leave you feeling miserable.
He's absolutely certain that an interaction with a sibling shouldn't leave you feeling bad about yourself.
A relationship can be toxic without being abusive, at which point it's still likely to be a good idea to step away if they're not prepared to change.
He came up with more ideas for the things that suggest a relationship is NOT abusive: if the other person will make sacrifices sometimes for your happiness, if they do things that show you that you matter, if they make you feel better about yourself more often than not.
I've been doing better lately, so we're likely to be inviting you for a visit if you'd like to come, and we can discuss it more, if you like.
I'd note that I also don't think my sister should be the sole metric for judging whether a sibling is abusive, since some of my stories about her genuinely shocked and horrified my excellent and extremely experienced former therapist.
There needs to be a word for the disbelief people express when they absolutely definitely do believe you but are struggling to reconcile the idea that someone could be that awful.