Taking responsibility for the spaces I create

[sqbr]

I really like synecdochic's "comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable" is not just a bumper sticker for me. The only passage which threw me and I still have trouble coming to terms with is

7.1. When I do speak in the online sphere, I should take responsibility for controlling any resulting conversation that occurs in any space I have control of, to ensure that the conversation does not cause others pain. If I don't have the time or the spoons to exercise that moderation, I should not allow conversation. I should not allow a conversation I begin to be used to hurt others.

Because while I aim for this, my health is far too unpredictable for me to ever be able to guarantee it. I've done what I can by creating the comment policy here to help people realise what not to say in advance, but that's not foolproof and this isn't the only place I initiate conversations.

And this does cause genuine hurt to others, and it is my responsibility. For example, in my most recent post to debunkingwhite¹ I wasn't feeling up to much conversation, but decided that some links I'd found were worth posting and it didn't look like anyone else was going to do it. Posting links is usually pretty safe: there isn't the danger of saying something inadvertently hurtful, and there usually isn't that much of a response.

But someone started trouble in the comments and said a bunch of offensively racist crap. I eventually decided, and said, that they weren't going to listen to reason and I didn't have the energy to argue with them any more. A POC who was also arguing with them called me out on it (though I think they were more annoyed at all the other white people who said nothing at all) and since I had started the conversation I decided it really was my responsibility to deal with it, so I did. This was very difficult and tiring, though, and I ended up having to wait several days between some of my replies to build up enough mental energy.

I could have asked the mods to intervene, but that still feels pretty irresponsible, I can't just go around saying things that cause trouble and expecting other people to clean up after me. And on my own journals (and some communities, though none of them are prone to much conversation) I am the moderator.

I could simply stop posting about "tricky" concepts all together, or at least in public. But: I don't know if this is just my arrogance, but I feel like on the whole my posts do more good than harm, I've certainly gotten a lot of positive feedback on debunkingwhite about the links I post (I make some effort to record stuff that happens in Australia, though I miss a lot) And also I would, no ablist hyperbole implied, go mad if I couldn't talk about gender and race and all that stuff somewhere. I guess i could do it under lock but I'd rather not.

There's also conversations like this on other people's journals:

Me: *tangent likely to create discussion*
Commenters: *Problematic replies*
Me: OOps, sick now, got to go!
OP: Man, now I have to deal with this!

Commenter: *Problematic reply*
Me: That's problematic.
Commenter: Why?
Me: Oops, sick now, got to go!
Commenter: Oddly enough I don't find that very convincing.
OP: Man, now I have to deal with this!

(And similarly if the OP says something problematic)

And again: as much as this causes trouble, I think me not calling people out on their problematic statements would be overall worse.

And there's times when the replies I get aren't problematic, my original post or comment is, and I'm not up to processing people's criticisms fast enough to deal with the resulting conversation let alone for general politeness. If someone doesn't know me, me taking a week to reply seems pretty darn rude. Not to mention I'll spend that week obsessing about it because I freak out at criticism. This is a major reason I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of disabling comments on any of my entries.

Something it's important to note: synecdochic is chronically ill herself. I'd ask her how she balances these problems but she deliberately didn't allow comments on the entry.

I think a lot of this would be helped by me gaining abetter feel for how well I'm feeling, so I avoid the "Oh crap, in retrospect I wasn't feeling well and this is full of crap and now everyone is talking about it and I can't deal with it" phenomenon. But there really is no way to be totally safe, especially since people can comment on things well after I post them.

So, I'm not sure I've described what I wanted to say properly and I'm pretty sure I missed some stuff, but my brain is mush, as always, and this is something I needed to get off my chest. I am very interested to her people's replies but, well, all the stuff I just said applies.

EDIT: naraht suggests comment screening, which while not a universal solution could I think be really useful for some situations.

Acouple of things from the first draft of this post which I realised didn't make it into the final one. I may edit these in more seamlessly tomorrow or whenever I'm up to editing:

I have trouble concentrating on writing or reading for extended periods², and have unpredictable bad periods when I'm not up to much beyond reading my email and maybe replying to really basic enquiries.

I've seen people pull the "I'm disabled (or having a bad day or you remind me of my father, or whatever), so I can't help it if my behaviour is hurtful, and if you criticise me you're just a big meanie" card, and I do not want to be that person.

When it comes to stuff like race where I have privilege my first reaction to any given situation is often pretty screwed up and I have to think carefully to avoid saying something hurtful and dumb... but I have trouble thinking carefully.

Every time my health takes a dip I go through a period where I end up accidentally offending a whole heap of people before my "You probably shouldn't say this" alarm recalibrates.

I've used disclaimers but there's only so much they can do.

EDIT: I posted about it at debunkingwhite: Digging at racism with no spoons and got some really helpful responses.

1)Which I haven't linked to avoid the "absent-mindedly click on a link and say whatever pops into your head" phenomenon. You can find it pretty easily if you're interested but I'd really rather you didn't get involved or start defending my honour against the Mean POC or anything.
2)Which obviously doesn't stop me from writing long posts, it just stops me thinking about it too hard when I do :)

Comments

[naraht]

Hmm. Might one solution be to change your journal settings when you make a controversial post, so that all comments are screened? (I think you can do this.) That way you could unscreen problematic posts only when you felt ready to deal with them. It would cut down on conversation but also on the chance that anything would blow out of control while you were gone.

[rainbow]

Syne does say "in any space I have control of" -- if you're in control of that community, can you add more mods to help when you're not up to it?

If that's not your community, then maybe the solution is to post only when you have a few extra spoons, just in case, and when you see something problematic, state why it is at the same time you say it is, and only do so when you have enough spoons.

I do empathise, because I have very few spoons of my own most days.

[sami]

I think that's why I don't get involved in comms much. Just the recent attention drawn by my posting about MammothFail can be disconcerting - there've been a few comments posted to my own entries that get a little bit to the point of "... I can't deal with this", but fortunately for the most part it's restricted to one guy I concluded wasn't willing to make the conceptual link that's so clear to everyone else, and it was his fail, not mine. For the most part the responses have been good or something I can deal with.

I think maybe tehre's a differnece between "oops, sick now, going to ignore you forever" and "oops, sick now, I'll get back to you when I can"?

A DBW lurker

[(Anonymous)]

Hi,

I know what you mean about spoons and such, as I have a disability also. What I do is track every post that I start or comment in, over on LJ. I don't know if you can do that here, but doing this helps me A LOT, in that I can see any bad reactions and hopefully head them off.

Hope that helps.

http://chipmunk-planet.livejournal.com

[ex_peasant441]

I've been thinking about this all day, so I reckon that makes it a great post :)

OK, current thoughts:

One of the main principles of the 'system' of social justice you seem to follow is that in any particular cause the 'owners' of that cause are the disadvantaged people in question, and hence they, and they alone, get to make the rules.

Now, you, as a chronically ill/disabled person, have limitations on your life, and you either need other people to make allowances for those limitations or you are suffering from their discrimination. In this case, the limitations are that you can't always reply to comments, or not reply swiftly or as comprehensively as you would wish. And that is not something you are making up as an excuse, it is a very real and genuine fact of your life. It is also an unpredictable one - especially at your stage of the illness you have no actual means of knowing in advance if you will or will not have the spoons tomorrow to deal with any possible consequences of your actions.

So, we put these two facts together and what do we get?

When you are posting about an issue where you happen to have privilege, you are entering the space of the unprivileged people in question. This is true whether you are posting on a community, someone else's journal, or even on your own - it is still 'their' cause, so they make the rules and all you need to do is find out what those rules are. If those rules accommodate your needs as a disabled person, well and good and smiles and drinks all round. If they do not then all you can do is leave their space. Yelling and screaming that they are a bunch of ableist bastards if you so chose, but the fact remains - their house: their rules.

What you should not do is try to stay and accommodate yourself to rules that you are physically incapable of meeting, or stay and try to pretend that you are accommodating yourself when you in fact can't. Because that really is causing problems both for yourself, by risking your health and sense of self worth, and for them, by being yet another idiot who won't obey their rules in their own space.

But first step - find out what the rules actually are. And this means the rules as they will apply to you, not the rules that Synecdochic is writing for her own personal use. If you don't want to come straight out and ask (and it can be horrible asking for help or admitting weakness, plus as I understand it some groups have rules about not asking questions) then find out in a sneaky roundabout fashion - but do take the time to find out.