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Inspired by this twitter thread via tumblr:
So, first off it really sucks that so many people are in this situation. I can sort of empathise: while being married and supported by my husband is a step "up" from living with parents, I went from having a career to becoming entirely financially dependent at 28, and it was devastating. If it wasn't for Cam I would be permanently dependent on my parents, and in serious trouble once that stopped being an option. I think this change is one reason I ended up making a lot of younger friends around that time, being around my successful thirty something friends with jobs and kids was painful for a while.
In the end I realised the expectations of adulthood I'm "failing" are shitty and meaningless, and that I am still a valid and worthwhile person. These days I can hang out with "proper" adults my own age and feel only a moderate twinge of self consciousness. It helps that I have a "career" as a game dev we can talk about, even if I only work on games a tiny amount of the time compared to all the time spent resting and surfing the net. But we can talk about books and family and politics too, and I can engage with them talking about their kids and job and they can engage with me talking about wheelchair drama. Life is just life, and an adult is an adult. It also helps that I made more friends my own age who "suck" at adulthood as much as I do.
But it has me wondering how much of the hostility I see from some younger people these days towards “adults” is frustration at feeling like "adulthood" is beyond them. Which on the one hand is understandable but on the other is unsustainable: if you blame “30 year olds” for your problems you’re in trouble when you hit thirty yourself, even if you don’t feel thirty. Maybe especially if you don’t feel thirty: seeing comments that I should be “paying taxes and looking after my kids” are very hurtful when that kind of life is impossible for me.
There needs to be a stronger distinction between adults and people with money and power.
That said, it is important to remember that those of us who don't fit the typical "adult" profile are adults. Both in that we shouldn’t hold ourselves to capitalism’s shitty standards, and that we still have the same emotional power imbalance when interacting with younger people. It especially bothers me to see twenty somethings posit themselves as "fellow young people" to teenagers while presenting us thirty somethings as Scary Grownups. The inherent power dynamic between a 12 year old and a 22 year old is huge compared to that between a 22 year old and a 32 year old, even if that 22 year old lives with their parents. And a 32 year old just being in the vicinity of 12 year olds is less danger to them than a 22 year old who actively seeks them out and tells them what to think. I'm still figuring out the best way to ethically and positively interact with younger people myself, but being aware of how old I really am is a good place to start.
This gets complicated by intersectionality. For example I have seen young men attacking older women with no acknowledgement of the inherent gender power imbalance. And this gets even more complicated with disabilities affecting personality or cognitive ability. I don't think anything negates age, even severely disabled people classified as having "the mind of a child" are, in fact, adults, even if they rarely get treated like it. But it's important to remember that there are a lot of unspoken assumptions about how "adults" live and think that don't apply to everyone. Asides from my obvious "failures", my mental illnesses and cognitive issues also cause me difficulty with the level of emotional togetherness and competence I "should" have by this age. But I am still 37. Just a 37 year old who has melt downs and stuff. Because that is a thing some 37 year olds experience.
Anyway. It sucks not to feel like an adult, and it sucks that so many young people feel that way right now. But maybe it's a sign we "failed" adults should try to dismantle the whole system. From what I've seen, the expectations of "adulthood" hurt even when you do achieve them: having kids you don't really want, repressing inconvenient emotions until you break down, staying in a job you hate to pay off a house you don't need etc. And maybe if less money and energy was being spent on Winning At The Biggest House society wouldn't suck so much for everyone who can't play that game.
I think millennials are taking a longer time coming to terms w/ the fact that we’re adults b/c a lot of us can’t afford to live like adults.
So, first off it really sucks that so many people are in this situation. I can sort of empathise: while being married and supported by my husband is a step "up" from living with parents, I went from having a career to becoming entirely financially dependent at 28, and it was devastating. If it wasn't for Cam I would be permanently dependent on my parents, and in serious trouble once that stopped being an option. I think this change is one reason I ended up making a lot of younger friends around that time, being around my successful thirty something friends with jobs and kids was painful for a while.
In the end I realised the expectations of adulthood I'm "failing" are shitty and meaningless, and that I am still a valid and worthwhile person. These days I can hang out with "proper" adults my own age and feel only a moderate twinge of self consciousness. It helps that I have a "career" as a game dev we can talk about, even if I only work on games a tiny amount of the time compared to all the time spent resting and surfing the net. But we can talk about books and family and politics too, and I can engage with them talking about their kids and job and they can engage with me talking about wheelchair drama. Life is just life, and an adult is an adult. It also helps that I made more friends my own age who "suck" at adulthood as much as I do.
But it has me wondering how much of the hostility I see from some younger people these days towards “adults” is frustration at feeling like "adulthood" is beyond them. Which on the one hand is understandable but on the other is unsustainable: if you blame “30 year olds” for your problems you’re in trouble when you hit thirty yourself, even if you don’t feel thirty. Maybe especially if you don’t feel thirty: seeing comments that I should be “paying taxes and looking after my kids” are very hurtful when that kind of life is impossible for me.
There needs to be a stronger distinction between adults and people with money and power.
That said, it is important to remember that those of us who don't fit the typical "adult" profile are adults. Both in that we shouldn’t hold ourselves to capitalism’s shitty standards, and that we still have the same emotional power imbalance when interacting with younger people. It especially bothers me to see twenty somethings posit themselves as "fellow young people" to teenagers while presenting us thirty somethings as Scary Grownups. The inherent power dynamic between a 12 year old and a 22 year old is huge compared to that between a 22 year old and a 32 year old, even if that 22 year old lives with their parents. And a 32 year old just being in the vicinity of 12 year olds is less danger to them than a 22 year old who actively seeks them out and tells them what to think. I'm still figuring out the best way to ethically and positively interact with younger people myself, but being aware of how old I really am is a good place to start.
This gets complicated by intersectionality. For example I have seen young men attacking older women with no acknowledgement of the inherent gender power imbalance. And this gets even more complicated with disabilities affecting personality or cognitive ability. I don't think anything negates age, even severely disabled people classified as having "the mind of a child" are, in fact, adults, even if they rarely get treated like it. But it's important to remember that there are a lot of unspoken assumptions about how "adults" live and think that don't apply to everyone. Asides from my obvious "failures", my mental illnesses and cognitive issues also cause me difficulty with the level of emotional togetherness and competence I "should" have by this age. But I am still 37. Just a 37 year old who has melt downs and stuff. Because that is a thing some 37 year olds experience.
Anyway. It sucks not to feel like an adult, and it sucks that so many young people feel that way right now. But maybe it's a sign we "failed" adults should try to dismantle the whole system. From what I've seen, the expectations of "adulthood" hurt even when you do achieve them: having kids you don't really want, repressing inconvenient emotions until you break down, staying in a job you hate to pay off a house you don't need etc. And maybe if less money and energy was being spent on Winning At The Biggest House society wouldn't suck so much for everyone who can't play that game.