Thinking about real and apparent age

[sqbr]

Inspired by this twitter thread via tumblr:

I think millennials are taking a longer time coming to terms w/ the fact that we’re adults b/c a lot of us can’t afford to live like adults.

So, first off it really sucks that so many people are in this situation. I can sort of empathise: while being married and supported by my husband is a step "up" from living with parents, I went from having a career to becoming entirely financially dependent at 28, and it was devastating. If it wasn't for Cam I would be permanently dependent on my parents, and in serious trouble once that stopped being an option. I think this change is one reason I ended up making a lot of younger friends around that time, being around my successful thirty something friends with jobs and kids was painful for a while.

In the end I realised the expectations of adulthood I'm "failing" are shitty and meaningless, and that I am still a valid and worthwhile person. These days I can hang out with "proper" adults my own age and feel only a moderate twinge of self consciousness. It helps that I have a "career" as a game dev we can talk about, even if I only work on games a tiny amount of the time compared to all the time spent resting and surfing the net. But we can talk about books and family and politics too, and I can engage with them talking about their kids and job and they can engage with me talking about wheelchair drama. Life is just life, and an adult is an adult. It also helps that I made more friends my own age who "suck" at adulthood as much as I do.

But it has me wondering how much of the hostility I see from some younger people these days towards “adults” is frustration at feeling like "adulthood" is beyond them. Which on the one hand is understandable but on the other is unsustainable: if you blame “30 year olds” for your problems you’re in trouble when you hit thirty yourself, even if you don’t feel thirty. Maybe especially if you don’t feel thirty: seeing comments that I should be “paying taxes and looking after my kids” are very hurtful when that kind of life is impossible for me.

There needs to be a stronger distinction between adults and people with money and power.

That said, it is important to remember that those of us who don't fit the typical "adult" profile are adults. Both in that we shouldn’t hold ourselves to capitalism’s shitty standards, and that we still have the same emotional power imbalance when interacting with younger people. It especially bothers me to see twenty somethings posit themselves as "fellow young people" to teenagers while presenting us thirty somethings as Scary Grownups. The inherent power dynamic between a 12 year old and a 22 year old is huge compared to that between a 22 year old and a 32 year old, even if that 22 year old lives with their parents. And a 32 year old just being in the vicinity of 12 year olds is less danger to them than a 22 year old who actively seeks them out and tells them what to think. I'm still figuring out the best way to ethically and positively interact with younger people myself, but being aware of how old I really am is a good place to start.

This gets complicated by intersectionality. For example I have seen young men attacking older women with no acknowledgement of the inherent gender power imbalance. And this gets even more complicated with disabilities affecting personality or cognitive ability. I don't think anything negates age, even severely disabled people classified as having "the mind of a child" are, in fact, adults, even if they rarely get treated like it. But it's important to remember that there are a lot of unspoken assumptions about how "adults" live and think that don't apply to everyone. Asides from my obvious "failures", my mental illnesses and cognitive issues also cause me difficulty with the level of emotional togetherness and competence I "should" have by this age. But I am still 37. Just a 37 year old who has melt downs and stuff. Because that is a thing some 37 year olds experience.

Anyway. It sucks not to feel like an adult, and it sucks that so many young people feel that way right now. But maybe it's a sign we "failed" adults should try to dismantle the whole system. From what I've seen, the expectations of "adulthood" hurt even when you do achieve them: having kids you don't really want, repressing inconvenient emotions until you break down, staying in a job you hate to pay off a house you don't need etc. And maybe if less money and energy was being spent on Winning At The Biggest House society wouldn't suck so much for everyone who can't play that game.

Comments

Yes ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

It bothers me that people are held to standards of adulthood for which the resources have long since vanished. Sometimes you just have to realize that the rules are bullshit and ignore them.

Re: Yes ...

[sqbr]

Yes you do.

[bunny_m]

It took me many years to come to terms with the idea of being an 'adult'/mostly stop feeling like a fraud 'adult'.

Western society is most definitely deeply messed up about what adulthood is, and trying desperately to cling to the 50s/60s/Boomer definition of it despite how much the world has changed/moved on.

And that's without even starting to enter the deep dark woods that include disabilities, chronic health issues or neuroatypical folks.

There needs to be a stronger distinction between adults and people with money and power.

Oh, gods, so very much this!

*solidarity fistbump*

As usual, you've given me a lot of new angles to ponder on. <3

[sqbr]

Western society is most definitely deeply messed up about what adulthood is, and trying desperately to cling to the 50s/60s/Boomer definition of it despite how much the world has changed/moved on.

I'm not sure it worked much better even in those days. Which isn't going to stop anyone using it, sigh.

[moonvoice]

I never really got the 'crushed by the lack of perceived independence and inability to meet societal standards of independence' part of my individuation journey re: chronic illness and I'm still sort of stuck in it myself. Sometimes it's fine, but when I'm around very functional adults I feel a mixture of embarrassed and humiliated and it's a lot of work to remember that I'm valid and like, shouldn't be looked down upon, but I do wonder if some people secretly think I should be working in a standard way or something. Especially since I can come across as quite functional in a social setting (except some folks don't take into account that I'm hardly in those social settings in the first place, because I'm rarely that functional).

I feel for those who can't meet the 'societal standards of adulthood' these days, and certainly not in the expected timeline that was expected of our generation and generations previously. I've seen parents laugh at kids jokingly like 'haha you'd better be out by X age' and I just stare at them like 'you seriously think that's realistic now?'

And it's so true about unspoken assumptions re: how adults live. Adulthood on Tumblr is often this amorphous beast - to attain, to look up to, to avoid, to fear, but it's rarely nuanced, unless you get an actual discussion thread that adults have added input to. And I don't really see those all that often.

[sqbr]

One thing that helps me for really quite shallow reasons is being a game developer. Sure, I release a tiny game every few years and have almost no sales, but it gives me a Thing I can talk about, and since everyone in the game developer community tends to have long development periods and low sales I often don't stand out unless I mention specifics. On the other hand this means I often feel like a fraud, especially when it becomes clear in conversation that I'm such a hobbyist. But it at least gives me an "acceptable" answer to "what have you been up to". My mother in law totally thinks I should be working a "real" job, but she also thinks my mother raised me wrong by not teaching me to always let The Man sit At The Head of The Table and have the best cut of meat, so bah to her. Bah to anyone who looks down on you, too, you're amazing, both as a person and as a Real Artist And Writer by any measure.

And chronically ill people with nothing that remotely fills society's expected "job" role are just as adult as us, which is to say 100% adult. makes a general bah in the direction of an oppressive capitalist society

[cesy]

Well said, and thought-provoking.

[sqbr]

Thank you!

Thank you for putting my experience into words.

[jesse_the_k]

Very well said.

There's one thing I just didn't track. You may be referring to something that's "Oh! it's tumblr," in which case I don't hang there enough to get it.

The inherent power dynamic between a 12 year old and a 22 year old is huge compared to that between a 22 year old and a 32 year old, even if that 22 year old lives with their parents. And a 32 year old just being in the vicinity of 12 year olds is less danger to them than a 22 year old who actively seeks them out and tells them what to think. I'm still figuring out the best way to ethically and positively interact with younger people myself, but being aware of how old I really am is a good place to start.

Are there people who claim that 32-year-olds are inherently dangerous to 12 year olds?

Re: Thank you for putting my experience into words.

[sqbr]

Yes, yes there are :(

Re: Thank you for putting my experience into words.

[jesse_the_k]

Umm wow.

This takes "don't trust anyone over 30" to new lows.