A metaphor about my feelings on being transmasculine

[sqbr]

I have no idea how universal this is. And specifically, I know some people find "being marginalised is like being a monster" metaphors super alienating, and may wish to not read further.

So: I watched this great Monstress vid about a woman who both benefits from and struggles with a powerful monster inside her. And I thought about why I have always connected with these kinds of narratives, but only really when the protagonist is a woman. I think it connects with a lot of feelings I have to do with mental illness and being neurotypical etc. But also, it's like...

You're a human in a world controlled by monsters who treat humans as chattel. People are born into each group at random, and the differences are largely kind of superficial, but monsters are generally bigger and stronger and get to be in positions of power, while humans both do all the work and are dismissed as small and weak. A "good" human is supposed to be delicate, willowy, and passive. Monsters are supposed to be big, strong, and commanding. Anyone who doesn't act "the right way" is punished, and those who are too ambiguous are forced to pick a side and pretend to be "normal". The fact that any ambiguity exists is harshly suppressed.

You grow up trying to be a "good" human, but over time resent the situation, and find happiness and solidarity with other humans who resent and push back against the monsters.

Monster Stuff is treated as The Best Stuff, and you haver to admit, some of it is pretty cool. And some monsters try to be decent people, even if they tend to stomp all over everything without even noticing.

You have some nicer monster friends who accept you doing monstery things, which is great, though you still resent them a bit and take comfort in being a human who isn't one of those terrible monsters. Sure, you do monstery things sometimes yourself, but you're taking back from the monsters for humans.

But yet. Sometimes strange things happen. Things that feel kind of...monstery. You never feel quite right around other humans and can't figure out why. At first you think it's just because of all the monster propaganda stereotyping humans as a cliche no real person ever really fits.

But then you realise: you're partly monster. Not entirely, not enough to ever live as one. But enough that it both benefits you and means you will never entirely fit in as a human. It explains all these things about your life that never made sense. It feel wonderful to understand who you really are, but is also kind of horrifying. Is it still ok to do monstery things? Is there a point where you are effectively become one of the monsters who has mistreated you and your human friends your whole life? But is it any better to act like you're human when you're not?

All that human solidarity starts to feel gross, as the actual humans talk about how monsters all suck and you sit there quietly aware that you are one. But if you actually try to talk to monsters about it they'll just laugh: you are so small and weak and obviously human! At best they'll pat you on the head with their giant scaly hands, thinking it's cute that a puny little human thinks it's even a little bit of a monster.

There are other partial monsters of all different types. Some started out thinking they were monsters and then realised they were partly human. Some are werewolves. Some are some whole other kind of creature, neither human nor monster. There's also people who start out as human and realise they're 100% monster, and vice versa, and their situation is different but similar enough that you understand each other pretty well. Talking to other people who don't fit the neat dichotomy is great.

But most people you know are humans and monsters who have never questioned what kind of creature they are, and assume everyone else is the same. These people all think of you as 100% human. And it feels very strange.

So! Not a perfect metaphor, of course, and I simplified things a bit. But it captures something of my really complicated feelings about masculinity. It doesn't explore what it MEANS to be a afab non binary person instead of just a woman doing masculine things, but that's a whole other question.

Comments

[bunny_m]

<3

A complex issue, communicated well, (IMHO) and inducing many feels.

Having just publicly outed myself as aro/ace on the Book of Faces, this shares quite a few similarities with thoughts and feelings I've been pondering for a while now myself.

It's not nearly identical, of course, but there's more than enough crossover to cut close to the bone. Even with my monster privilege, that I will mostly continue benefiting from.

[sqbr]

I'm glad it was helpful! We're all monsters and humans in different ways, trying not to stomp on each other or get stomped on :)

[lilysea]

*listens*

[sqbr]

nods

[moonvoice]

I actually really like this as a metaphor, and a narrative, and it makes a great deal of *sense.* And I think it's a good inroad into looking at these things, because there's never any easy ways to do it, and it is a big big like....tangly mess. But here's some of it laid out in a way that just...makes an awful lot of sense. :)

[sqbr]

I'm glad it makes sense to people outside my head!

[leecetheartist]

Really resonates with me.

[pebblerocker]

Thank you for posting about gender stuff. I'm feeling like perhaps there is a reason I'm very interested in reading about it. Like one day I might look back on my reaction to the option of playing a nonbinary character in your Northanger Abbey game and realise things make a lot of sense. So thank you :)

[sqbr]

Ah, yes, I remember that feeling. I'm really glad me talking about my own Gender Journey has helped, and wish you well with yours regardless of where it takes you.