Everything you wanted to know about sexuality but were too dumb to ask

[sqbr]

ithiliana made a locked post(*) asking her flist what GLBT people wish was better known by their peers at uni, and what straight people wish they'd known at uni. I found this a really interesting question, since by uni most people have gotten past the basic "Gay people exist and aren't evil" stage. EDIT: I haven't included stuff on non-monogamous relationships and other misunderstood aspects of sexuality like S&M etc since that wasn't part of the original post. Feel free to discuss them in the comments anyway :)

So, this is my answer, including stuff I've seen other people get consistently wrong:

1) On the whole GLBT people look and act just like straight people, there's no such thing as reliable "gaydar"(**). Don't freak out when a "normal" person turns out to be GLBT (especially T) or make assumptions about a "gay acting" person.
1a)Straight is not the default, don't just assume any "normal acting" person is interested in people of the opposite sex and not in those of the same sex (or that those distinctions even apply). No, not even if they have/had a partner of the opposite sex.
1b)Don't freak out if people don't assume you're straight. They're just covering all bases, not "accusing" you of being lesbian or gay.

2)Asexuals exist. They are not going to grow out of it. They are not secretly gay. They don't need to "try it and see".

3) Straight people do not get to "reclaim" "gay"/"fag" etc as insults/negative adjectives etc. Not even if the context has nothing to do with sexuality.

4) Intersex and trans* people exist and have feelings. It doesn't suddenly become ok to make fun of them if you use words like "hermaphrodite" and "shemale".

5) Sexuality and identity are complicated and a matter of personal choice. You don't get to say "She had a boyfriend, she's not a lesbian" or "He said that guy is cute, he's not an asexual".
5b) These things also change. Someone can be enthusiastically straight, and then become gay/lesbian, and then identify as a pansexual etc, and not be "lying".

6) GLBT doesn't begin to cover it. (I'm not 100% up on all the varieties of sexuality myself, I must admit)

7) (After reading comments on that post) Sexuality is not actually just about sex. As with straight people, it's all mixed up with love and companionship and all that stuff in a sometimes very complicated way.


So what do you guys think?
EDIT: I'm not going to correct this post since I'd be rewriting it forever and I think it acts an interesting snapshot into the brain of a well meaning but somewhat clueless straight person. But it's definitely flawed, and there's lots of important additions and discussion in the comments.

(*)to keep answers private, she said it was ok to mention it existed
(**)Well, not for straight people, anyway :)

Comments

[alias_sqbr]

Hey! No touching!! :D (Our icons make an interesting contrast)

Yes, I thought about including polyamoury etc but in some ways that really is a separate topic, and it wasn't part of the original post. Also there's stuff like S&M etc, which people can more easily keep to themselves but still has a lot of stigma attached to it. (Something I've been thinking about while watching Bones, which on the whole is much less anti-sex than your average crime show but still can be a bit "OMG what freaks no wonder they're involved with murder!!")

I must admit I was well into uni (and almost out the other side) before I really started being open minded about that sort of thing (mainly because it wasn't until then I met anyone who had anything good to say about it), so I still have quite a bit of figuring out left.

[sanguinity]

:: Yes, I thought about including polyamoury etc but in some ways that really is a separate topic... ::

Is it? I'm a poly bisexual lesbian, and poly and orientation feel more the same than different to me: Mrs. Grundy getting all up in my face about how I should be doing sex and relationships, insisting that I've lost any right to be considered as worthy as monogamous heteronormative people. Straight privilege may be her right hand and monogamous privilege may be her left, but from where I stand, they're both pretty obviously the same Mrs. Grundy.

(There ARE mutual privilege issues that could make them seem different, but you've already got mutual privilege issues in the almalgam signified as "LGBT," so...)

[alias_sqbr]

Coming at this as a straight, monogamous person the difference for me is how they're perceived and presented by mainstream culture, not the difference of how they're experienced from the inside. The fact I think of it this way is probably another thing I need to work on.

I grew up being aware that some people "Were just born" with attractions to the same gender, or "in the wrong body"(*), I don't remember ever not being actively against homophobia and transphobia as I perceived them. (Although I didn't think of them as related until I was a lot older)

But it's only when I got to uni that I encountered the idea of polyamory etc as legitimate lifestyles and sexualities rather than unhealthy deviance, brief experimentation, or philosophic/religious etc choice. I'm still at a much earlier stage of gaining understanding on these issues so I tend to think of them separately. I have a feeling if I wrote a post about it I'd just embarrass myself :/

I've been meaning to go on more of a learning-about-queer-theory self education journey like I have been with racism, I have a LOT of not-heteronormative friends who might appreciate me being less clueless without having to educate me themselves.

(*)These being my simplistic child-of-the-80s understandings

[sanguinity]

You might find Michael Warner's The Trouble with Normal helpful here; the first chapter ("The Ethics of Shame") does a nice job of explaining why monogamous privilege and straight privilege don't look all that different to me. Unfortunately, it's U.S.-centric in its examples, but I hope that won't be too irritating.

Careful with that book, though -- it might make you more radical than your LGBT friends, and wouldn't that be annoying? ;-)

[alias_sqbr]

Thanks, I'll look out for it.

I'm already more radical than most of my POC friends :) (I try very hard not to do the "Let me, the educated white person, explain your experiences to you because you are WRONG about racism" thing since, um, yes. Not so much with the helpfulness)