Everything you wanted to know about sexuality but were too dumb to ask

[sqbr]

ithiliana made a locked post(*) asking her flist what GLBT people wish was better known by their peers at uni, and what straight people wish they'd known at uni. I found this a really interesting question, since by uni most people have gotten past the basic "Gay people exist and aren't evil" stage. EDIT: I haven't included stuff on non-monogamous relationships and other misunderstood aspects of sexuality like S&M etc since that wasn't part of the original post. Feel free to discuss them in the comments anyway :)

So, this is my answer, including stuff I've seen other people get consistently wrong:

1) On the whole GLBT people look and act just like straight people, there's no such thing as reliable "gaydar"(**). Don't freak out when a "normal" person turns out to be GLBT (especially T) or make assumptions about a "gay acting" person.
1a)Straight is not the default, don't just assume any "normal acting" person is interested in people of the opposite sex and not in those of the same sex (or that those distinctions even apply). No, not even if they have/had a partner of the opposite sex.
1b)Don't freak out if people don't assume you're straight. They're just covering all bases, not "accusing" you of being lesbian or gay.

2)Asexuals exist. They are not going to grow out of it. They are not secretly gay. They don't need to "try it and see".

3) Straight people do not get to "reclaim" "gay"/"fag" etc as insults/negative adjectives etc. Not even if the context has nothing to do with sexuality.

4) Intersex and trans* people exist and have feelings. It doesn't suddenly become ok to make fun of them if you use words like "hermaphrodite" and "shemale".

5) Sexuality and identity are complicated and a matter of personal choice. You don't get to say "She had a boyfriend, she's not a lesbian" or "He said that guy is cute, he's not an asexual".
5b) These things also change. Someone can be enthusiastically straight, and then become gay/lesbian, and then identify as a pansexual etc, and not be "lying".

6) GLBT doesn't begin to cover it. (I'm not 100% up on all the varieties of sexuality myself, I must admit)

7) (After reading comments on that post) Sexuality is not actually just about sex. As with straight people, it's all mixed up with love and companionship and all that stuff in a sometimes very complicated way.


So what do you guys think?
EDIT: I'm not going to correct this post since I'd be rewriting it forever and I think it acts an interesting snapshot into the brain of a well meaning but somewhat clueless straight person. But it's definitely flawed, and there's lots of important additions and discussion in the comments.

(*)to keep answers private, she said it was ok to mention it existed
(**)Well, not for straight people, anyway :)

Comments

[alias_sqbr]

Something I have seen over and over lots of places is the fact that a lot of people (especially certain men(*)) are incapable of telling the difference between "Interested in sex" and "Interested in sex with that particular person".

Since my preferences happen to be so conventional and I'm not naturally flirtatious etc I tend to miss out on the sorts of things you're talking about, but I've seen them being used towards others and can imagine it's really hurtful. Closest I've come was in second year when people found out I had a lower-than-expected purity score and almost reacted as if I had been living a lie, like having a somewhat varied sex life was incompatible with being a shy, neurotic, sensible geek girl. God knows how people would have reacted if I was bisexual or something.

(*)But not your good self :)

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

The 'unable to tell the difference' guy is a real problem.

Unfortunately plenty of these people (mostly men, as you say, but not all) can be found in fandom. There was one sexual assault in the last year that happened to one of my friends that was basically this kind of situation, as you may know.

And I've also been on the receiving end of the assumption that I am like that ('oh, you are open about your sexuality and seem to want to be my friend - you must be sleazily planning to hit on me, and I shall judge all future interaction on that basis') -- though I hope most of my friends know that I'm really not.

Oh, and another variant is 'anyone who is open about having a sex life that seems more interesting than the average must be boasting and motivated by pride'.

Of course the need for consent applies absolutely no matter how sexually open someone is, which is one of the issues I'm getting at. I know someone who was sexually assaulted, which ended in the guys arrest, and then went to a full on sex party (accompanied only by someone they'd only met since the assault!) literally a couple of days later -- an extreme case and a weird situation, a pretty good example.

[alias_sqbr]

Cam has ranted to me about how he always feels that those sorts of guys mean women at cons look at him funny if he wants to take their photo etc. It creates a very unpleasant situation for everyone :/

Of course the need for consent applies absolutely no matter how sexually open someone is

I've never suspected you of it, but in my case if nothing else I don't think you're that dumb :)

Of course the need for consent applies absolutely no matter how sexually open someone is

Absolutely. I am always horrified when I hear about how in rape cases the defense brings up all this stuff about how "promiscuous" the victim is, as if that has any relevance.