![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I've seen an uptick lately in people using "gay" as a catchall for lgb or even lgbt. See for example this post (the gif is the Dean from Community dressed as the devil with a chainsaw saying "GAY MARRIAGE").
It irritates me, but every catchall term irritates someone, so I'm not sure if what I have is a genuine issue with the term or just a matter of personal taste. So I'm going to poke at it!
When I was growing up as a kid in the 80s you were either "gay", "lesbian" or "straight", where "gay" meant a man attracted solely to men, and lesbian meant a woman attracted solely to women. Non binary and bi people were not on the radar, and trans people were barely acknowledged. There was much more awareness of gay men than lesbians, though most of that awareness was negative eg I mainly heard "gay" used as an insult between boys in my class.
I spent a while wondering if I was a lesbian, but then I got attracted to boys, so decided I had to be straight. The path to figuring out I'm a biromantic asexual was long and rocky, as was the slightly longer path to figuring out that I'm non binary. Something that really didn't help was the active hostility to bi, trans, and ace people from the "lesbian and gay" community, especially since it was mostly the "gay" as in "gay men" community.
I only later encountered the term "gay" being used to refer to anyone other than men who are solely attracted to men, but until recently only saw it being used in the context of "gay woman" as a synonym for "lesbian".
In more recent times I have seen it used in an even broader sense, to refer to any sort of same sex attraction or queerness in general. But the older associations remain.
To me, the fight to add the letters other than G to LGBT was important and memorable, and I react against anything that looks like backsliding. The addition of Q, I, and A is important too(*): the broad inclusiveness of "queer", and awareness and specific inclusion of intersex, asexual and aromantic people. Even if you think people whose only claim to "queerness" is being ace or aro don't count as queer (which is an argument I do not feel like getting into), those of us who are LGBTI and also "A" need to be remembered.
Things aren't the same now as they were when I was growing up. But there is still a hefty chunk of the queer/lgbtqia/"gay" etc community who want to center the community around "same sex attraction" in a way that decenters and is sometimes actively hostile towards bi, trans, intersex, asexual and aromantic people. There has been intense pushback against the term "queer", and suggestions we define the community as "same sex attracted and/or trans"...but it's clear that the people saying this are mostly cis people interested in connecting with other same sex attracted people. And the community continues to be dominated by cis men.
So my intuitive understanding of "gay" tends to be (a)"man solely attracted to men" (b) "man solely attracted to men or woman solely attracted to women" (c) "like 'queer' but more hostile to people like me".
(a) and (b) are neutral terms, but do not apply to me. (c) is a negative term that I don't want to apply to me. Regardless, being referred to as "gay" makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Yet there are also a lot of bi, trans, asexual and aromantic people who refer to themselves as "gay", and not just gay trans men and trans lesbians (I haven't encountered any intersex people doing it, but don't encounter many intersex people in general). I feel like it's partly an age thing, to young people on tumblr "gay" clearly has a set of positive associations to do with their specific subculture and humour. For example, there's a meme of looking at cute person and thinking "Oh no, I'm gay", and I can't think of any way to reword that without "gay" that would keep the same tone. I don't want to be all "the language of the Youth rubs me the wrong way and is thus Problematic". But it rubs me the wrong so much omg.
For example, consider this post about "fashion looks that make all gay ppl nut:", as posted on the wlw (bi and lesbian women) site autostraddle.
Whatever the OP meant by "gay", Autostraddle clearly reads it as referring to more than just men.
But (a) it is all masculine leaning or at most androgynous clothing. (b) the comment "wlw and mlm solidarity" ignores the possibility of "gay" people of other genders. I feel like if someone made a post about "queer" or "lgbt" reactions to fashion, it would be a little harder to to ignore feminine presenting and non binary people. But maybe it wouldn't be! Autostraddle has a long history of using "queer woman", "lesbian", "wlw" etc interchangeably. And I have seen a lot of people use "queer" and "lgbtqia" etc but very obviously mean (presumed to be) cis gay men and lesbians.
Still, fair or not, I associate this kind of erasure more with "gay".
Also, if "gay" is the catchall term, what term do we use for men who are solely attracted to men? "Gay man" would still be too vague, since it could refer to being bi, or a non binary man. Maybe even straight or aro ace trans men? I'm not sure whether this usage of "gay" applies to straight trans people. I have seen other non-binary people say we are all "gay" because none of our attractions are "straight", but does this only apply to those of us who have attractions at all, eg those who aren't aro ace? I don't like the idea of trans people's inclusion in the community being implicitly or explicitly connected to our sexuality, there's a reason there's a "T" in LGBT.
But MAYBE I'M MISSING SOMETHING.
I certainly have more empathy now for the people for who being referred to as "queer" is like nails on a chalkboard. Not so much for the ones who are jerks about it, which is why I am trying not to be a jerk about this.
For now I'm just going to accept that I am always going to find it irritating, but try and keep an open mind as to it's broader validity.
EDIT: See winterbird's comment about deliberately using it as a non binary person as a way of pushing back at cisgaydude gatekeeping. I think this sort of thing has to be done carefully, but can see the appeal.
In private conversation someone reminded me that some people use "gay" not as an umbrella, but as a personal descriptive term for their own difficult to define sexuality and/or gender, the way some other people use "queer". That's not what I'm talking about in this post but is definitely worth acknowledging as a thing.
(*) And yet I keep reflexively shortening it to LGBT. There really are no universally good terms.
It irritates me, but every catchall term irritates someone, so I'm not sure if what I have is a genuine issue with the term or just a matter of personal taste. So I'm going to poke at it!
When I was growing up as a kid in the 80s you were either "gay", "lesbian" or "straight", where "gay" meant a man attracted solely to men, and lesbian meant a woman attracted solely to women. Non binary and bi people were not on the radar, and trans people were barely acknowledged. There was much more awareness of gay men than lesbians, though most of that awareness was negative eg I mainly heard "gay" used as an insult between boys in my class.
I spent a while wondering if I was a lesbian, but then I got attracted to boys, so decided I had to be straight. The path to figuring out I'm a biromantic asexual was long and rocky, as was the slightly longer path to figuring out that I'm non binary. Something that really didn't help was the active hostility to bi, trans, and ace people from the "lesbian and gay" community, especially since it was mostly the "gay" as in "gay men" community.
I only later encountered the term "gay" being used to refer to anyone other than men who are solely attracted to men, but until recently only saw it being used in the context of "gay woman" as a synonym for "lesbian".
In more recent times I have seen it used in an even broader sense, to refer to any sort of same sex attraction or queerness in general. But the older associations remain.
To me, the fight to add the letters other than G to LGBT was important and memorable, and I react against anything that looks like backsliding. The addition of Q, I, and A is important too(*): the broad inclusiveness of "queer", and awareness and specific inclusion of intersex, asexual and aromantic people. Even if you think people whose only claim to "queerness" is being ace or aro don't count as queer (which is an argument I do not feel like getting into), those of us who are LGBTI and also "A" need to be remembered.
Things aren't the same now as they were when I was growing up. But there is still a hefty chunk of the queer/lgbtqia/"gay" etc community who want to center the community around "same sex attraction" in a way that decenters and is sometimes actively hostile towards bi, trans, intersex, asexual and aromantic people. There has been intense pushback against the term "queer", and suggestions we define the community as "same sex attracted and/or trans"...but it's clear that the people saying this are mostly cis people interested in connecting with other same sex attracted people. And the community continues to be dominated by cis men.
So my intuitive understanding of "gay" tends to be (a)"man solely attracted to men" (b) "man solely attracted to men or woman solely attracted to women" (c) "like 'queer' but more hostile to people like me".
(a) and (b) are neutral terms, but do not apply to me. (c) is a negative term that I don't want to apply to me. Regardless, being referred to as "gay" makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Yet there are also a lot of bi, trans, asexual and aromantic people who refer to themselves as "gay", and not just gay trans men and trans lesbians (I haven't encountered any intersex people doing it, but don't encounter many intersex people in general). I feel like it's partly an age thing, to young people on tumblr "gay" clearly has a set of positive associations to do with their specific subculture and humour. For example, there's a meme of looking at cute person and thinking "Oh no, I'm gay", and I can't think of any way to reword that without "gay" that would keep the same tone. I don't want to be all "the language of the Youth rubs me the wrong way and is thus Problematic". But it rubs me the wrong so much omg.
For example, consider this post about "fashion looks that make all gay ppl nut:", as posted on the wlw (bi and lesbian women) site autostraddle.
Whatever the OP meant by "gay", Autostraddle clearly reads it as referring to more than just men.
But (a) it is all masculine leaning or at most androgynous clothing. (b) the comment "wlw and mlm solidarity" ignores the possibility of "gay" people of other genders. I feel like if someone made a post about "queer" or "lgbt" reactions to fashion, it would be a little harder to to ignore feminine presenting and non binary people. But maybe it wouldn't be! Autostraddle has a long history of using "queer woman", "lesbian", "wlw" etc interchangeably. And I have seen a lot of people use "queer" and "lgbtqia" etc but very obviously mean (presumed to be) cis gay men and lesbians.
Still, fair or not, I associate this kind of erasure more with "gay".
Also, if "gay" is the catchall term, what term do we use for men who are solely attracted to men? "Gay man" would still be too vague, since it could refer to being bi, or a non binary man. Maybe even straight or aro ace trans men? I'm not sure whether this usage of "gay" applies to straight trans people. I have seen other non-binary people say we are all "gay" because none of our attractions are "straight", but does this only apply to those of us who have attractions at all, eg those who aren't aro ace? I don't like the idea of trans people's inclusion in the community being implicitly or explicitly connected to our sexuality, there's a reason there's a "T" in LGBT.
But MAYBE I'M MISSING SOMETHING.
I certainly have more empathy now for the people for who being referred to as "queer" is like nails on a chalkboard. Not so much for the ones who are jerks about it, which is why I am trying not to be a jerk about this.
For now I'm just going to accept that I am always going to find it irritating, but try and keep an open mind as to it's broader validity.
EDIT: See winterbird's comment about deliberately using it as a non binary person as a way of pushing back at cisgaydude gatekeeping. I think this sort of thing has to be done carefully, but can see the appeal.
In private conversation someone reminded me that some people use "gay" not as an umbrella, but as a personal descriptive term for their own difficult to define sexuality and/or gender, the way some other people use "queer". That's not what I'm talking about in this post but is definitely worth acknowledging as a thing.
(*) And yet I keep reflexively shortening it to LGBT. There really are no universally good terms.
no subject
*It felt weird to use a specific term when this entry is all about that! For what it's worth, I do use gay as a catch all term in casual conversations and in writing most often use lgbt+. But I think there will never be one "right" term and it's just a question of what you're trying to accomplish and who you're trying to reach
no subject
And yeah it is hard to know what term to use in a discussion about the issues with different terms :)