Everything you wanted to know about sexuality but were too dumb to ask

[sqbr]

ithiliana made a locked post(*) asking her flist what GLBT people wish was better known by their peers at uni, and what straight people wish they'd known at uni. I found this a really interesting question, since by uni most people have gotten past the basic "Gay people exist and aren't evil" stage. EDIT: I haven't included stuff on non-monogamous relationships and other misunderstood aspects of sexuality like S&M etc since that wasn't part of the original post. Feel free to discuss them in the comments anyway :)

So, this is my answer, including stuff I've seen other people get consistently wrong:

1) On the whole GLBT people look and act just like straight people, there's no such thing as reliable "gaydar"(**). Don't freak out when a "normal" person turns out to be GLBT (especially T) or make assumptions about a "gay acting" person.
1a)Straight is not the default, don't just assume any "normal acting" person is interested in people of the opposite sex and not in those of the same sex (or that those distinctions even apply). No, not even if they have/had a partner of the opposite sex.
1b)Don't freak out if people don't assume you're straight. They're just covering all bases, not "accusing" you of being lesbian or gay.

2)Asexuals exist. They are not going to grow out of it. They are not secretly gay. They don't need to "try it and see".

3) Straight people do not get to "reclaim" "gay"/"fag" etc as insults/negative adjectives etc. Not even if the context has nothing to do with sexuality.

4) Intersex and trans* people exist and have feelings. It doesn't suddenly become ok to make fun of them if you use words like "hermaphrodite" and "shemale".

5) Sexuality and identity are complicated and a matter of personal choice. You don't get to say "She had a boyfriend, she's not a lesbian" or "He said that guy is cute, he's not an asexual".
5b) These things also change. Someone can be enthusiastically straight, and then become gay/lesbian, and then identify as a pansexual etc, and not be "lying".

6) GLBT doesn't begin to cover it. (I'm not 100% up on all the varieties of sexuality myself, I must admit)

7) (After reading comments on that post) Sexuality is not actually just about sex. As with straight people, it's all mixed up with love and companionship and all that stuff in a sometimes very complicated way.


So what do you guys think?
EDIT: I'm not going to correct this post since I'd be rewriting it forever and I think it acts an interesting snapshot into the brain of a well meaning but somewhat clueless straight person. But it's definitely flawed, and there's lots of important additions and discussion in the comments.

(*)to keep answers private, she said it was ok to mention it existed
(**)Well, not for straight people, anyway :)

Comments

[shineys-are-us.livejournal.com]

I like your answers. Something I might add to 5) is that bisexuals really do exist and they don't need to match *idiot'sname's* quota. There's a guy on heated debate that seems convinced that to be bisexual, a person needs to be exactly 50/50. To make it more difficult to meet his standards, anyone who actually gets close to this 50/50 isn't bisexual, they're just indifferent to who they sleep with *rollseyes* Actually, no one needs to match a quota and it's insulting as hell to tell them that because they don't match it, they're confused/lying about their sexuality. (Can you tell this is one of my pet hates?)

I'm pretty happy that you put 2 in. To that one I'd add that just like any other sexuality, people come in different flavours. Some asexuals are also aromantic, while some will go into relationships. Some will have sex because their partner(s) are sexual.

Cool post overall. You've got a typo in 5b, 'panexual'. I assume you meant pansexual.

[alias_sqbr]

Oh yes, I've encountered the "Anything but a perfect 3 on the Kinsey scale is either straight or lesbian/gay" argument before. And then there's the less common "If you're not a perfect 0 you're bi/lesbian/gay" argument, which I had applied to me once (being briefly attracted to, at that time, one girl once does not a bisexual make)

[shineys-are-us.livejournal.com]

One of my friends kept asking me how I know that I'm bisexual (*) given that I haven't had a proper relationship with a woman. I don't mind a friend asking me that once but it started annoying me once she'd done it a few times. She eventually got the point when I asked her how she knew she was straight when she hadn't either. She's a really sweet lass, it just took her a while to get it.

(*)shorthand term, my sexuality is more complicated than that but bisexual is easier to understand

[alias_sqbr]

I think there's still an underlying attitude that being gay or lesbian is something you do rather than something you feel (and thus bisexuals don't exist: ether you're being gay/lesbian, or you're being straight)

[grahame.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's a bit out there, but you could read your list of things and get from it "let's just chuck categories of sexuality". Or at least, use them only as self-determined. Seems sensible to me.

[sanguinity]

If it was the categories that was the problem, sure. But it's heteronormativity, gendernormativity, and their related privileges that are the problem -- the injustices, after all, do pre-date the categories (let alone the construction of orientation as identities). These categories serve as a kludgy but useful tool for discussing and opposing those norms and privileges; if you throw the categories out, we're back to where we were in the thirties with the crap still happening, but without language for calling out the crap. That privileged people tend to screw things up when they haven't been educated is hardly a reason to throw it all out; the categories were instituted because privileged people tend to screw things up when they haven't been educated, and the categories provides a tool for (among other things) doing the education.

[alias_sqbr]

*points to what you said*

[alias_sqbr]

What sanguinity said. But I agree that self determination is absolutely key (though I think LGBT etc people have the right to sometimes say "No, you are not one of us, stop claiming to represent us", though that can still get incredibly fraught ie with bisexuals in heterosexual relationships)

I mean really, people just ned to stop being so narrow minded about putting people in boxes and listen to their individual experiences. Unfortunately I find just going "STOP SUCKING SO MUCH" isn't specific enough for most people :)

[nico-wolfwood.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately I find just going "STOP SUCKING SO MUCH" isn't specific enough for most people :)

Unfortunately not. :)

Very interesting post, you and everyone commented made lots of interesting points. Also, your list making talents are amusing.

(Yes, I am out of my skull.)

[alias_sqbr]

Glad to give you something interesting to read :)

And again: get well soon!

[infamyanonymous.livejournal.com]

Everyone's said very sensible and grown up things here. I guess I just don't care what sexuality someone is. Not in a nasty way, more in a I don't care if you're left handed, or a Scorpio or from South of the River way. So my assumptions are kind of a Err4 reading than 0-6, but if someone states that they have a same-sex partner, I am surprised very very briefly. Wait, I'm also the same amount of surprised when someone says they have a partner of the opposite sex, so I just wasted my time typing that.

I do object to people (often, but not always of the GLBT community) assuming I am sexist or homophobic or GLBT-ist. Not just me, there was a great moment when two mutual friends met, and one started ranting at the other about straight men being homophobic, laying into him for representing the world's evils. Yeah, that's right, he was gay. It was hilarious (for me.)

Oh, and 1b) and strangedave's comment ...as are being a lesbian and being butch YES. I don't know the frequency of this sort of thing, but it shits me to tears that I am so often assumed to be gay. I know of at least three guys who have gone under the misaprehention that I am a lesbian, for different reasons.
I know that not all lesbians are butch, and the world seems to be getting better at that idea, but not every girl who doesn't wear makeup, dresses, skirts, make-out with strange boys is gay. I've actually invented a previous boyfriend backstory to drop into conversation when people are getting nosey.
I had to sit my mum down one day and explain to her that I liked boys, it's that bad.

(Also, yes, I get the irony here. "Poor me, shoved into the wrong category, how hard it is to be straight." The only two times in my life I have ever been hit on, were by chicks. Not offended, just annoyed at the statistics :P)

[alias_sqbr]

one started ranting at the other about straight men being homophobic, laying into him for representing the world's evils

At random, or had he said something which (to the listener) came across as sexist/homophobic? It is an unfortunate fact that sometimes one is the straw that broke the camel's back, the whole situation not being very fair for the straw or the camel. (This is one reason I try to get my feminist/anti-racist etc rage out on my lj, lets me be calmer when facing this stuff in person)

People assume you're lesbian? You don't strike me as any more butch than I am! (Not that it would be a fair assumption even if you were)

Have you seen "But I'm a cheerleader"? It's a cute if slight movie about a girl who's sent to "un-gay-ification" camp and she's all "But I can't be a lesbian! I like pink! And cheerleading!" while another (straight) girl was sent there just for playing softball :) Then again, if you admit to watching it people may assume even more...

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with complaining about the ways in which heterosexism make life difficult for straight people as long as we don't try to dominate the conversation or argue that we have it worse. Puts us all on the same side, same way as I like to see men complain about the way sexism (actual sexism, not imaginary "women run the world" sexism against men) hurts men.

[infamyanonymous.livejournal.com]

As best I can remember, he said nothing defamatory. It was basically introductions, standard stuff which turned into a rant about how his type of person was destroying the world.

Yep. It's that whole thing people do, consciously and subconsciously, look at past relationships, look at interactions between each sex and add up all those gender things (make-up, sports, skirts, hairstyle.) I'm much more comfortable around girls, big surprise. I'm touchy feely, but moreso with girls. I had a very 'touchy' relationship with a friend who's a very out lesbian. (This accounts for one of the confused men.)

I have seen But I'm a Cheerleader. I had a disproportionate number of non-straight friends in highschool and for them it was some sort of biblical adaptation.
On one hand, it's weird that flaunting some gender stereotypes (like shaving, wearing skirts) makes me feel like I stand out in a bad way, but other things make me feel empowered (like a young person knitting, or a check-out chick having a brain [I used to bleach my hair to be a smart blonde.])

[alias_sqbr]

Yeah, ok, that does sound dumb.

On one hand, it's weird that flaunting some gender stereotypes (like shaving, wearing skirts) makes me feel like I stand out in a bad way, but other things make me feel empowered (like a young person knitting, or a check-out chick having a brain [I used to bleach my hair to be a smart blonde.])

I have that too, plus sometimes it's empowering one day and makes me feel bad the next.

[sanguinity]

Just dropping this in as a terminology resource for people (includes some info about what ideas are obnoxious, as well): GLAAD media reference guide (pdf)

[alias_sqbr]

Cool, thanks. *reads*

[sanguinity]

Just dropping this in as a terminology resource for people (includes some info about what ideas are obnoxious, as well): GLAAD media reference guide (pdf)

[alias_sqbr]

Cool, thanks. *reads*